


Remus Loves Sirius, Sirius Likes Someone Else

by simplysirius



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Feels, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, M/M, Moony - Freeform, One Shot, Padfoot - Freeform, Pining, Relationship(s), Remus x Sirius, sirius x remus, wolfstar, wolfstar angst, wolfstar fanfiction, wolfstar fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:53:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26976160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplysirius/pseuds/simplysirius
Summary: Remus and Sirius hold hands, hug, and act like a proper couple, though they’ve never made anything official, so when Sirius accepts a date from someone else, Remus is left questioning their entire relationship.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 17
Kudos: 230





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr @simplysirius for more!

In 1975, there were three things every student at Hogwarts wanted to know. One: does Professor McGongall really have nine lives, and does she like catnip? Two: does Snape actually use grease as shampoo instead of soap? Three: are Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, infamous Gryffindor pranksters and darlings of Hogwarts, dating? It depended on who you asked, really. Snape would roll his eyes, turn up his nose, and stalk away before answering the question. James would smile wide, glance at his friends, and change the topic to something about the upcoming Quidditch match. Sirius and Remus would look at each other, cheeks tinted pink and heads tilting sideways, shrug, and quietly find each other’s hands under the table.

It was, simply, just how they were. 

The first night Remus and Sirius were at Hogwarts, way back when they were dwarfed by expectations and excitement, Sirius had crawled into Remus’ bed, settling in the open space beside the sandy-haired boy, wide grin lighting up the night.

“This is kinda cool, huh?” He asked, curling up under the blankets, gesturing at their bedroom. Remus blinked back at him in the dark, startled that this boy he had just met not twelve hours ago was now sharing his pillow. “It’s gonna be like a sleepover every night.”

Sirius had always been affectionate, though Remus realized, with a twisting stomach, that it was only ever towards him. Sirius was always throwing an arm over his shoulder, ruffling his hair, patting his back. The first couple years, Remus had chocked it up to brotherly love. He knew that Sirius had a younger brother who often rejected any friendly advances, so Remus figured that all of Sirius’ brotherly energy was directed to him. 

Fourth year changed that.

April had been a particularly bad moon. There was a late snowstorm, a blizzard really, that blanketed the world in a thick layer of white. It would have been beautiful if it hadn’t collapsed the roof of the Shack, spilling freezing snow into the normally dark room. Sirius and James, not yet successful animagi, had nearly frozen solid overnight, layers of jackets and blanket not enough to ward away the glacial air. 

By the time Remus had shifted back to his human form, James was running towards Hogsmeade for tea and warm biscuits, the invisibility cloak hardly hanging onto his shoulders. Sirius was left to tend to Remus, his wounds made all the more visible against the stark snow, now stained a deep red.

With Remus’ head cradled in his arms, Sirius set to work mending the superficial wounds, buying them time until James came back with food to thaw their bones before stumbling to Madame Pomfrey. 

“’m so cold,” Remus mumbled, just barely conscious, only able to register the chill clinging to his bones and the stinging sensation of his skin on Sirius’.

“I know,” Sirius crooned. He let Remus’ head down for only a moment, shedding his jacket and wrapping it around Remus’ shoulders, leaving him in just a thin long sleeve that did nothing against the cold. 

After healing what he could mend, Sirius held Remus’ head in his lap, stroking his hair, quietly soothing Remus when a whimper of pain escaped his mouth. 

“You’re okay, Moony, I got you,” Sirius assured, and dropped a soft kiss to Remus’ forehead. “I’m right here.”

Even in his pain-seared haziness, Remus felt light, warm lips ignite his skin, and he fell asleep that night and every night after thinking about how it felt, wishing he could feel it again, wishing he could return the favor. This was a boy who had never known love from his family, but somehow had a heart three sizes too big for his body, willing to risk hypothermia and freezing to death for what? For him. Only for him. 

Remus vowed, then, that he would no longer shy away from Sirius. If he wanted to hold his hand? Dammit, Remus was going to hold his hand. If Remus wanted to hug him, he was going to hug him. If Remus wanted to kiss him? Well, that was going to have to wait. 

Sirius didn’t say anything the first time Remus took his hand, sitting up in the astronomy tower. Remus knew in those quiet moments, staring at the stars, tracing Sirius’ constellation with his eyes over and over, that this wasn’t a brotherly affection. Brotherly love didn’t set your heart on fire, nor did it knot your stomach – or even worse, below your belt. When Remus took Sirius’ hand, a silent confirmation that this was real, this was how he felt, all Sirius did was smile.

At meal times, Remus and Sirius would sit impossibly close together, elbows bumping, plates colliding, ankles looping together. James noticed almost immediately, but said nothing – it was something he always suspected might happen – and he wasn’t even all that surprised when he found Sirius asleep in Remus’ bed more often than in his own. Nightmares, Sirius had explained one morning when Remus was already in the shower, and James had only nodded.

There were whispers in the hallway when they passed hand in hand, hushed did you see Sirius and Remus?! And oh my god, look at them!, but no one ever bothered asking for confirmation. They were just Remus and Sirius, two boys who, by the looks of it, were hopelessly and recklessly in love. Nothing else really mattered. If anything, they hoped that Remus’ level-headedness and polite manners might rub off on Sirius and relieve the school of his unrelenting pranks. No such chance.

A couple weeks after the Christmas holidays, already swamped in assignments and studying for their OWLs, Remus was laying on his bed, large textbook held above his head, trying – and failing – to find muggle studies even remotely interesting. James sat on his bed across the room groaning at his divination homework, spending more time adjusting his glasses and sighing than he did answering any of the questions. 

The door swung open and slammed back against the wall, the typical announcement Sirius used when walking into any room. 

“Hi losers,” he greeted cheerfully, shedding his robe haphazardly on the ground and skipping to his dresser. More of Sirius’ clothes were on the floor than folded in drawers, and even though it drove Remus and James crazy, there was something about watching Sirius strip next to his bed that made Remus’ eyes flutter. 

“Where are you going?” Remus asked, eyeing Sirius extract a nice sweater from his drawer. It was his only sweater without any pulled threads or discolored stains on the sleeves; Remus had given it to him for Christmas just a few weeks prior. He had been nervous about giving Sirius such a quiet gift – James had opted for a handful of items from the prank shop in Hogsmeade, which fit Sirius’ personality much better than a navy jumper – but when he pulled it out of the box, he clutched the soft fabric to his chest, eyes sparkling, and thanked Remus with a voice as warm as a thousand suns. Remus hadn’t seen him wear it yet, after he made a point that it was a special occasions only kind of sweater, but he had certainly dreamed about what he would look like in it.

Sirius pulled off his ratty t-shirt and stuck his head through the sweater, getting lost in the sleeves for a second before jerking it right. It fit him nicely; the V-neck teased at his collarbones and the cable knit accentuated his long torso. Remus drank in the sight of him. 

“Out,” Sirius replied nonchalantly, taking a comb to fix his hair. “Can I borrow the cloak tonight?”

“What, are you two doing some secret castle mapping or something?” James asked, looking between Sirius and Remus. 

Remus shook his head, furrowing his eyebrows, and looked to Sirius for an explanation. 

“I have a date, actually,” Sirius said matter-of-factly, disappearing into the bathroom.

Remus vaguely registered James staring at him from across the room, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the bathroom door. Sirius had a date. A date that wasn’t Remus. Sirius liked somebody else enough to go out on a date. And dates mean grabbing a bite to eat which leads to hugging which leads to kissing and–oh god. Sirius was going out on a date with someone that wasn’t Remus, wearing a sweater that Remus bought Sirius in hopes that he’d one day wear it on a real, actual date of their own. 

Sirius emerged from the bathroom, toothbrush hanging out of his mouth, and slipped on his shoes, the nice leather ones that never saw the light of day.

“Belt or no belt?” He asked the room, holding a brown belt around his waist. 

James was silent, lips parted, eyes narrowed in confusion, and couldn’t even bring himself to shake his head yes or no. Remus sat on his bed in a daze, trying to blink away a world that had suddenly become fuzzy and unfamiliar. 

Sirius raised an eyebrow at the silence and tossed the belt aside. No belt it is. “What’s up with you two?”

“Who are you going out with?” Remus choked. He didn’t want to know. He almost didn’t even ask the question, his mouth too dry and his body too numb, but the pain of not knowing was unbearable. He had to know. 

“Henry McAvoy,” Sirius answered, an unmistakable smile playing on his face as his heart swelled. He buttoned his jacket and unlatched James’ trunk. “Is that a yes on the cloak?”

Henry fucking McAvoy. 

There was nothing outwardly wrong with Henry McAvoy, which only angered Remus more.

Henry McAvoy was a Ravenclaw, the same year as Remus and Sirius, who was locked in a constant battle for top marks of the class. Where Remus exceled in transfiguration, Henry shined in history of magic. If Remus did badly on an exam, he was more worried about what grade Henry earned than the exam itself. When Remus became a prefect, he thought he finally had a leg up on him, until Henry McAvoy walked around the corner with a matching prefect badge pinned to his robe. 

To make matters worse, Henry McAvoy was also a Quidditch star. He was a beater, and a good one at that. Henry had perfect aim, always hitting his target in the stomach or the shoulder, careful to avoid the head. He had James’ competitive fire, stoked with a level-headed kindness and concern for the other players. It was, Remus suspected, where Henry and Sirius must have hit it off – no pun intended. The Quidditch field was the only place that separated Remus and Sirius. Remus should have seen it coming. Now, it felt like Henry fucking McAvoy had aimed a bludger at his chest.

Remus had been waiting years to have a good enough reason to hate Henry McAvoy, and now, he finally found it. He only wished it wasn’t at his expense, like some cruel joke that was never really meant to be funny.

“Shit, I’m gonna be late,” Sirius swore, glancing at the clock on the wall. He had never worried about being late before. Not when he was late for Remus’ birthday party last year because he was making a life-sized snowman. Not when he was late for the Hogwarts Express and James was worried his mother had finally done him in. Sirius Black didn’t care if he was late; everyone else was simply early.

Sirius made for the door and turned the handle, looking over his shoulder at Remus and James as if they were merely afterthoughts that he had forgotten. “Don’t wait up tonight. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone. Thanks for the cloak, Prongs. And the sweater fits great, Moony.” The door closed behind him, and it was suddenly so silent that it made Remus’ ears ring.

Remus’ head was spinning so fast he was liable to collapse on the ground at any moment. He held on tight to his headboard just in case, knuckles a pale white, teeth clenched to stop the chattering.

Did he have the right to be mad? Remus had never sat Sirius down and told him how he felt. There was no contract, no handshake, no pinky promise, that prevented Sirius from going out on dates with other boys. But it hurt. Remus was used to pain; searing cuts and rough abrasions, cracked bones and splitting headaches. Remus was not used to whatever this was. Blood burning so hot in his face that he was sure his skin would melt. Ribs constricting so tightly they were about to puncture his heart and suffocate him from the inside out. Lips, fingers, neck, hips throbbing with a voracious longing to be touched, kissed, admired, with no relief in sight.

Sirius had been everything Remus wanted. The only thing Remus wanted. He wanted the wicked smirks and tender eyes and echoing laughter. The past five years, the stolen stares and lingering touches and sleepless nights spent talking and laughing under bedsheets and silencing charms, what did it all mean? The answer was glaring in front of him, but Remus didn’t want to see it. It didn’t mean anything to Sirius. If it had meant anything, Sirius would not be on a date with Henry McAvoy. 

What did Henry have that Remus didn’t?

Well, Henry McAvoy was most definitely not a shapeshifting werewolf monster, that’s for sure. His body was too pristine; olive skin far smoother than Remus’ patchy pale complexion, a smothering of freckles over his nose instead of jagged scars and cuts, quiet chocolate waves of hair cascading more elegantly than the unruly blonde curls that covered Remus’ head. Henry was firmly human, something that Remus would never be able to give Sirius. 

Henry shared Sirius’ love of Quidditch; they could practice together, squeal over new equipment, argue over whose team was definitely going to win the House Cup. Remus could sit on the sidelines and cheer.

Maybe worst of all, after tonight, Henry would have Sirius. Remus felt sick. 

Across the room, James gingerly left his bed, slowly making his way over towards Remus. James knew that Sirius was thick, but he didn’t actually think he was stupid. Did he not see how much Remus liked him? Or did he just not care? Did he miss the memo?

James approached Remus with a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Remus? You alright?”

Remus was clearly not alright. Boys who are doubled over on their bed, faces pressed into their thighs, fingers clawing into their palms, are not alright. Boys who are left for dead while the boy they like goes on a date with their sworn enemy are not alright. Boys who are in love with someone they can no longer have are not alright.

Remus cleared his throat, jumping out of bed and rushing to lace up his shoes. “I just…need some air.” In his haste, he tied on two different shoes, socks nowhere to be found. He pushed past James and tore out of the Gryffindor dorm, rushing up the stairs two by two towards the astronomy tower. It was the only place Remus knew where the air was so crisp it could slice through his lungs. Maybe that would stop everything from hurting.

He knew, of course, that the astronomy tower was the worst place he could go. It was their place. It was the place where Remus had finally worked up enough courage to take Sirius’ hand in his for the first time. The place where he realized that wanting to kiss your best friend wasn’t normal friend protocol and maybe he liked Sirius a little more than he thought he did. The place where Sirius hugged Remus and his fingers lingered on his chest longer than they had ever dared before. The astronomy tower was intricately laced into every single one of Remus’ most cherished memories. 

When he climbed to the top of the tower, he paused. The door was already cracked open. With a single finger, Remus pushed the door just wide enough to poke his head into the room. Two loud, laughing voices echoed in the chamber, and his blood ran cold.

Remus could just see Sirius’ back, his long hair unmistakable, and beside him was Henry McAvoy. Their hands were intertwined, shoulders leaning on each other, faces dangerously close together. It would take just the slightest lean of their bodies to close the distance. A few inches to seal Remus’ coffin. 

Sirius had taken Henry to their place. No. It wasn’t their place anymore. They didn’t have a place. 

“I still can’t believe you said yes,” Henry mused, looking at Sirius with a glittering smile. “I didn’t even know if you were…available.”

Sirius just shrugged, his eyes tearing from Henry’s to look at something in the distance. “I don’t know. I figured I should try something new.”

He couldn’t stand to hear another word. Remus ran down the stairs, stumbling the last few steps and scrabbling to keep his feet under him. He tore around corridors, no real idea where his feet were taking him, until his lungs were empty and he fell to his knees in front of a door he had never seen before. 

The dark wood was laced with intricate iron designs, all swirling and twisting into the handle, coated with a thick layer of dust that suggested it hadn’t been touched in quite some time. Fully expecting to find it locked and heavily enforced, Remus was surprised when the handle gave easily under his hand. He fell into the room and stumbled to the ground, letting the first tears streak down his cheek as his chest collapsed. 

The room was empty, only illuminated by two tall windows pouring in the moonlight from the starry night, save for a tall slate of glass leaning against the wall. Remus peered up through his hands and stared at the mirror, his heart instantly stilling, his tears pausing. 

It wasn’t his reflection at all. Well, he was there, but not alone. Sirius was sat next to him, arm around his shoulders, head leaning against his, a small smile splayed on his face. It was so real that Remus felt around him for any sign of Sirius, as if his eyes were deceiving him. When he realized that he was, indeed, alone in this room, the mirror a cruel lie, he crumbled. Sirius was so close. But he wasn’t there at all.

Remus watched his reflection carefully in the mirror as his shoulders shook with sobs, eyes staring at Sirius looking back at him. Everything he wanted. Everything he couldn’t have.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus struggles to accept Sirius' date with another boy, and decides the best thing to do is avoid him at all costs. Sirius vows to tell Remus how he really feels, but first, they have to survive the full moon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @simplysirius for more!

When Remus finally creeped into the bedroom that night, James was fast asleep and Sirius’ bed lay vacant. He tried not to let his eyes linger on the stale bedsheets, but sleep was elusive and every time Remus rolled and thrashed about, he inevitably found himself staring at the empty bed. 

Some hours later, when the soft tendrils of dawn streamed through the tree boughs and into their bedroom, Remus heard the familiar squeal of the door hinges crack through the still morning. He hurriedly flipped over, burying his face into his pillow and closing his eyes, feigning sleep. 

Heavy footsteps padded over to Sirius’ bed, shoes clattering to the floor and fabric scraping against skin before being discarded. The sheets rustled and the mattress springs squeaked. A drawling sigh blew warm air into the room. 

Sirius had been gone for hours, and the more Remus thought about it, the more he thought he might be sick. He realized, at once, that the twist in his stomach might be due to the looming full moon, but the moons only ever came for his body, never his heart. 

When their alarm cried out not long after, startling James out of bed, Remus was sure that he hadn’t slept at all. His body was on fire and the endless supply of saltwater tears had done nothing to extinguish the flames.

Sirius was in a good mood. He flit around the bedroom preparing for the day, sliding his robe over his head and combing through his hair. James and Remus shared a stunned look when Sirius reached down and sorted through his clothes on the floor, folding the clean pants and discarding the dirty shirts. There was a moment of silence as Sirius made his bed, smoothing out the bedsheets and fluffing his pillows. When he turned around and clocked the two boys gawking, he shrugged.

“What?”

Neither Remus nor James responded. With a measured look at Remus, James returned to his morning routine.

Remus might have been able to make it through the day if Sirius had just been normal Sirius. Messy, lazy, normal Sirius. But he was happy. He was disgustingly, nauseatingly, happy. And it obliterated Remus. Whatever he had with Sirius was long forgotten, replaced with tender memories of Henry fucking McAvoy and his stupid eyes and stupid hands and probably his stupid lips. Did Sirius have to gloat about it? Was being with Remus so horribly unbearable that Sirius felt like he had to celebrate finally finding his freedom?

There was no room in Remus’ body to feel hurt anymore. He was angry. Viciously, violently angry. Five years had meant nothing. Five years of touching and hugging and silently hungering for more; it was nothing. Remus was nothing. 

Remus was just part of a game he thought he wanted to play, but someone had changed the rules before he rolled the dice.

There’s a strange adjustment that must be made upon the discovery that the boy you are hopelessly in love with does not love you back. There’s no more tedious moments spent trying to come up with something funny to make Sirius laugh. No more calculations necessary to figure out how to nonchalantly pass a hand through his hair because it just looked so soft that day. No more tender smiles hoping that someone will bump his shoulder and send him stumbling into Sirius’ arms. 

Remus would have to start over again. Sirius was a stranger; if the gentle touches and fond glances weren’t real, was everything a lie? Remus did not know the boy sleeping in the bed beside his. He would be tightly cordial. Strictly professional. That’s how it had to be.

In transfiguration, Remus was careful to keep his distance, dragging his stool all the way to the end of the table so there was no possible way that Sirius could touch him. The wooden legs groaned as they scraped the floor, which naturally made all heads turn towards him. Students were confused, to say the least. Remus and Sirius had sat so close to each other there was practically no telling where one body ended and the other began; it caused some issues during exams, but McGonagall soon realized that no matter how far apart she spaced them, somehow they always found their way back together. 

Sirius thought it was a joke at first and pulled his stool closer to Remus, but when the taller boy shot daggers out of his eyes, Sirius relented. He figured Remus was just a little sore already, with the full moon and all. No big deal. Sirius kept trying to steal glances at Remus, to pry his eyes away from his textbook or get his attention, but no matter what Sirius did, Remus wouldn’t budge. At the end of transfiguration as Remus was writing down the homework, the first time his head looked up during the whole class, Sirius noticed dark circles rimming his eyes and a nose that had been rubbed bright red. 

“You catching a cold or something, Moony?” Sirius asked, gently poking Remus’ nose.

Remus recoiled suddenly, as if Sirius had shocked him, and curled his lips over his teeth. “No. Just tired.”

It was the only answer he offered before sliding off his stool and exiting the classroom. 

Later during their free period, James and Remus sat in the Gryffindor common room close to the roaring fire, thawing the chill in their bones. James poured over the latest issue of Quidditch Illustrated, while Remus tried to concentrate on the book in his hands. It’s quite difficult to concentrate when all he could hear was low whispers emanating from the students lounging around the room. It was, perhaps, the first time in five years that Sirius was not sitting with James or Remus. 

Remus narrowed his eyes. He wasn’t sure where Sirius was, but he suspected that Henry McAvoy was in his company. He didn’t have the heart to look at the Map. 

Much to his surprise – and quiet pleasure – Sirius strolled into the room just a moment later, hands deep in his pockets. There was a swagger to his walk, all hips and thighs, that made Remus’ mouth pucker. He made his way over to the fireplace and threw himself on the couch next to Remus, nearly sitting on top of him. 

“Here. Stole it from the kitchen,” Sirius smirked, offering his hand to Remus. It was a chocolate bar – well, half of one – and the good kind at that, with swirls of caramel inside. 

Forgetting himself, Remus reached over to take it, but froze midway. Sirius’ shirt was untucked, hair splayed wildly about, and his face was flushed. On his neck, a small black and blue bruise. 

“No thanks,” Remus denied flatly, pushing away from Sirius and staring pointedly at his book, pretending to read the words.

The room fell silent for a moment, no one able to hide their surprise at Remus’ rejection, before fits of whispers erupted. Sirius stared at Remus, not understanding, before James stole the chocolate from his hand with a disapproving glare and discarded the wrapper.

Remus briefly wondered how difficult it would be to transfer schools. Moving to Antarctica also seemed like an appealing option. He could probably find a nice little penguin to keep him company in his igloo.

Despite long, squinting stares, Remus found no answers in his soup at dinner. It was an ugly stew, grayer than the dark clouds outside, and there were chunks of meat and vegetables completely unrecognizable floating in the broth. A single slice of bread sat on the edge of his bowl, which might have been appetizing if it wasn’t hard and stale. Maybe the house elves were suffering their first heartbreak, too.

A second piece of bread was delicately placed next to his bowl. Sirius sat beside him, one side of his mouth tugged up in a sympathetic, conceding grimace. “Make sure you eat enough.”

It was kind gesture. And it made Remus’ throat burn with anger. He gripped his spoon so tightly that he could feel the metal giving way under his fingers, molding an indent the perfect shape of his thumb into the handle. 

“Thanks,” Remus said, clearly not meaning it. He turned his shoulder away from Sirius and propped an arm up on the table as if creating a wall between them. He sipped his soup through a taut jaw and kept his gaze firmly on the bowl in front of him. Though his muscles had already started to ache and his forehead felt hot, yearning for a gentle embrace from slender fingers and azure eyes, Remus would not lean into Sirius. He would not be a player in whatever game this was any more.

Sirius spent the rest of the dinner trying to peer through Remus’ impenetrable wall, straining to catch a glimpse of him through curly hair or the reflection in his murky soup. He tried to touch his knee against Remus’, but as soon as their legs met, Remus jerked away. Confused, Sirius looked to James for answers, but he only adjusted his glasses, shrugged as if it wasn’t his problem, and continued his conversation with Lily. 

When he stood up to throw his trash away, Sirius caught Henry’s eyes across the room. Henry grinned, brushing his hair out of his eyes to get a better look at him, and pushed away from the table, finding a scrap of trash as an excuse to get up. Already halfway to the bin, Sirius couldn’t very well sit down now, so he continued on, his feet shuffling across the floor with lead chains lashing his ankles.

“Hey Sirius,” Henry greeted, slowly dropping his trash into the bucket. He looked up, sheepish, and Sirius instantly knew what was coming next. “Are you free tonight?”

Sirius ran his tongue over his lips, trying to find the right word. No, would be a good choice. Behind them, he heard hushed whispers and stifled gasps, and Henry blushed. Sirius glanced over his shoulder and became all too aware of dozens of heads whipping away from him in a hurry. What was it like having a whole room whisper about you behind your back? It felt pretty bad. But not as bad as when he noticed Remus staring at him with glacial, unforgiving eyes and a contemptuous frown that he had only ever seen on one person before. His mother’s disapproval hurt. Remus’ scorn killed.

“I’m busy tonight, sorry,” Sirius replied quickly. It wasn’t a lie; in just a few hours he’d be locked inside the Shrieking Shack until morning, giving him plenty of time to relive Remus’ derision over and over and over again. He flashed Henry an apologetic grin that felt fake, even to him, and scrambled back towards his table. 

Remus kept occupied with his soup, and Sirius had suddenly lost his appetite. 

When dinner was over, the students filed out of the Grand Hall, talking amongst themselves, eyes wandering over to where Remus walked between James and Lily, leaving Sirius trailing behind them. The speculations were rampant now, and with his body starting to edge closer towards wolf and away from human, Remus’ ears were suddenly bombarded with shrill whispers. I heard that Sirius broke up with Remus and now he’s dating Henry McAvoy! And, well I heard Remus ended things because he didn’t like Sirius’ family! But perhaps the worst was, Sirius and Henry are way cuter together anyways. 

Normally, the boys had an hour or so after dinner to prepare for the trek down to the Whomping Willow, but tonight, with his hands nearly clamped around his ears to no avail, Remus pulled James aside, eyes wide and chest heavy.

“Hey, I’ll catch you tomorrow, Lily,” James called, instantly understanding Remus’ silent plea. He put his arm around Remus’ shoulders, and goddamnit if Remus didn’t wish it was someone else’s arm. “Me and Moony here have a date with detention.”

Lily rolled her eyes and shook her head, not surprised in the least. She flipped her hair over her shoulder and made for the stairs. “You’re not going to go anywhere in life if you keep getting detention.”

“You have enough ambition for everyone,” James replied warmly, earning an appreciative smile from Lily. When she disappeared and the boys were left alone in the hallway, James turned to Remus. “Do you want to grab anything?”

Remus shook his head, already walking towards the courtyard. “Let’s just go.”

“Are you sure you don’t want a blanket or something?” Sirius asked, noting the cold autumn air blowing through the cracks in the castle. 

Remus stopped in his tracks. His hands curled into fists, fingernails digging into the soft flesh of his palm, and his muscles tensed so tightly he thought his skin might rip. “You’re staying here.”

It was enough to throw even James off guard, forcing a small noise of surprise from his mouth. Would he be able to handle Remus by himself? There were moons that were better than others, but if Remus’ furious rage was any indication, he was in for a long night. They had never split up before; even when Sirius came down with a case of chicken pox in third year, he still managed to sneak out of the hospital wing and help James control Remus. What if James couldn’t keep Remus in check? What if Remus hurt himself? What if–

“What are you talking about?” Sirius finally asked, confusion filling in the lines on his face like concrete. 

“I mean,” Remus clarified, his back still turned towards Sirius. “You’re staying here.”

James approached Remus cautiously, glancing between him and Sirius, who looked like he had just been sliced by a thousand paper cuts. “Remus, I know things aren’t great between you two right now–”

Remus interjected coldly, “things are fine. Things are exactly how he wants them.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Sirius nearly shouted, his voice echoing against the stones. 

“But I would really prefer if he was there tonight,” James finished, ignoring both of their interruptions. He cast a stern look at Sirius, a simple please shut the fuck up gaze, and waited for Remus’ reaction.

To his surprise, Remus slowly turned around, a placid, calm expression settling over his face. James let out a small breath, convinced he had finally gotten through to him. James took a step towards the courtyard when Remus’ voice glued him to the floor.

“If he comes, I’ll probably kill him,” Remus said darkly, taking satisfaction in the horror that passed over Sirius’ face. It was not a warning. It was a promise. And Sirius knew it. Remus turned on his heel and stalked out the door, letting the heavy wood slam behind him as he disappeared into the darkness of the night.

James wheeled around to Sirius and pointed a single finger dangerously close to his face. There was a real possibility of Sirius losing an eyeball. “If we’re still alive tomorrow morning, you need to fix this. And if I do die tonight, I’m haunting you first.”

Sirius threw his arms in the air. “How is this my fault? He’s the one that–”

“You knew exactly what was going to happen with Henry McAvoy,” James insisted.

“It’s none of his business who I date,” Sirius defended, though his voice was beginning to crack under the lie. It was a filthy, dirty, stinging lie that burned his tongue and shattered his teeth. 

James nodded, teeth clamped harshly on his bottom lip, and he stepped so close to Sirius that their noses were nearly touching and his eyes couldn’t properly focus. “Sirius Black. Stop playing stupid. Here’s what we’re going to do. When this fucking moon is over, and if, by some miracle, we’re still alive, you are going to apologize and you are going to fix this. Do you understand?”

There was no room for argument, and it’s not like Sirius could deny it anyways. His heart was on his sleeve, and in the morning, he would find a way to give it to Remus. He nodded carefully. 

James sighed, stepping back and pinching the bridge of his nose. He was still shaking his head when he slipped through the door to join Remus at the Shack.

Sirius estimated that there was exactly twelve hours and four minutes until the sun came up and Remus would return to his body and he could fix this mess he created. For the first hour, he tried doing homework, but even on a good day homework is a terrible way to pass the time. Then he tried cleaning the bedroom, hoping that a spotless dorm would help him back into Remus’ good graces. Sirius was never very good at cleaning and quickly abandoned it. He couldn’t sit still and he couldn’t even think about trying to sleep, so he did the only thing he could. He walked.

It occurred to him that he should probably have the Invisibility Cloak wrapped around his shoulders, but he couldn’t bring himself to care, and anyways, he was tired of feeling invisible. In hindsight, he should have predicted such a reaction from Remus. In a way, it’s exactly what he wanted. Sirius learned two things on his date with Henry. One: he did not want to go on any more dates with Henry, or anyone else that wasn’t a part-time werewolf, for that matter. Two: Remus did not want Sirius going on any more dates with Henry. It was the perfect storm, but he hadn’t expected to get swept away in the currents.

Sirius traveled down endless corridors, hardly able to see more than a few steps in front of him, dragging his hand along the wall for guidance. His fingers brushed cool stone after cool stone, until his hand dipped onto a door. It was ornately detailed, lots of twisting iron and metal, a door that Sirius had surely never opened before. He stepped inside, squinting at the bright moonlight pouring in from the windows. 

The room was empty, save for a mirror. Sirius approached it cautiously, a lump stuck in his throat. He vaguely remembered stories his grandmother would tell him about a mirror deep within the depths of Hogwarts that reflected nothing but childish wishes and rampant lies, once showing the matriarch of the Black family surrounded by smiling children with blue eyes, brown eyes, blonde hair, and red hair. 

Sirius almost didn’t look. But when he did, he reached out, just barely letting his fingertips brush the glass, and quivered. 

Remus stood beside him, head leaning against his, smiling. He was wearing a brown suit jacket, a little tattered and worn, the sleeves slightly too long and almost concealing his hands. Just short enough to reveal the shiny gold ring adorning one very important finger. 

Time passed slowly that night, and Sirius pretended that he couldn’t hear the distant echoing cries piercing through the windows. He curled up on the floor in front of the mirror, eyes never leaving Remus’, and pressed his fingers over his heart. Every time he thought of Remus, it beat a little faster. 

The moment dawn broke, Sirius ran to the hospital wing, nearly toppling some of Hogwarts’ most prized décor proudly displayed along the hallways. He burst through the door, not bothering to knock like a respectful student, and scanned the room. The first bed: empty. The second: empty. The third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh beds: empty. Oh god. 

It was all his fault. He should have forced his way into the Shack, he should have let Remus scream at him and tell him to leave, he should have been there. And James. How would Sirius explain it to his parents? How–

“They’re already back in the dorm,” a wiry voice said behind him.

Sirius jumped, whirling around to look at Madame Pomfrey. “They’re okay?”

“Remus wanted to rest in his own bed. I believe his exact words were ‘somewhere that has a lock on the door.’” Madame Pomfrey raised a thin eyebrow. “I don’t suppose that would have anything to do with you, would it?”

Before she could get an answer, Sirius was already halfway down the hall.

By the time Sirius had climbed all five hundred thousand stairs that were so rudely standing in the way of him fixing Remus’ heart, he was nearly doubled over heaving, his thighs shaking and sweat dotting his brow. He threw all his weight against the door to their bedroom and nearly fell down the stairs when it didn’t budge.

“Open up, guys,” Sirius called, knocking on the door. He waited. No response. He knocked again. Quiet mumbling mused from inside. Banging on the door with heavy fists, Sirius tried one more time. “Let me in!”

The door opened and Sirius’ fists missed James’ face by inches. He had a quilt wrapped around his shoulders, eyes hooded by heavy lids that could hardly stay open. A wad of bandages wrapped around his bare torso, a nasty cut that connected his shoulder to his navel. He was battered, but he was in one piece.

“I’m going to sleep on the couch,” James announced, edging past Sirius and shuffling to the common room. 

Sirius shut the door behind him, rocking on the balls of his feet before building up the courage to approach Remus’ bedside. There was an angry cut on his cheek and his lips were bruised a faint purple. A bag of ice pressed against his head, where a bulbous welt rose amidst dirty curls. Remus’ eyes, stubbornly glued anywhere but Sirius’ face, were bloodshot, angry red vessels careening into his honeyed irises. He was devastatingly pale against the white bedsheets, and so fragile Sirius almost didn’t want to look at him too closely in case he shattered.

“I want to be alone,” Remus croaked, hands gripping fistfuls of the blanket.

“No you don’t,” Sirius dismissed. Remus went to move away from Sirius, but winced in pain. “If I promise not to touch you will you stop trying to get away from me?”

Remus grimaced and eased himself back onto his pillow, relenting.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said, gripping one of Remus’ bed posts. His fingers ached to brush Remus’ skin, but he had made a promise. 

“What exactly are you sorry for?” Remus mused, mustering all the strength left in his body to lash out. “Are you sorry for leading me on, or are you sorry that I’m mad at you?”

Sirius blinked. “Neither!”

“So you’re sorry for ditching me so you can go snog Henry?”

“I don’t like Henry!” Sirius abruptly shouted, his eyes burning so intensely that Remus was likely to burst into flames. 

Remus paused, eyebrows furrowed and lips parted, trying to detect a lie. Nothing made sense and his head hurt and Sirius just kept staring at him, like Remus was supposed to know what that meant. “Then why did you go out with him?”

Sirius swallowed, guilt suddenly devouring him whole. He shook his head, as if trying to reason with himself, and finally shrugged. “I guess…we were always just…us, you know? I didn’t think you wanted to be anything more, and I needed to see if I could accept that.”

“Well…” Remus trailed after Sirius had been silent a moment too long. He held his breath, afraid that he might startle the moment away if he dared breathe. “What’s the answer?”

“Every time he looked at me, I wished it was you,” Sirius admitted quietly, fumbling with his fingers, losing the nerve to look Remus in the eye. “Every time he touched me or laughed at me or smiled at me, I wished it was you.”

God, how long had Remus been waiting to hear those words? He stared back at Sirius, his body too weak to shoot out of bed and smother Sirius like he wanted, and managed a smile. Remus watched Sirius’ face contort, and for a moment, he worried that this brave new world was about to crash.

“I…” Sirius rubbed his face, frustrated. He had to say it. But what if Remus didn’t say it back? 

“Say it,” Remus encouraged, his voice no louder than a whisper. “Just say it, Sirius.”

“I love you,” Sirius breathed. 

Remus couldn’t help but laugh. A small, gasping giggle that tore through his chest and shook his bones. Sirius had finally, finally said it, and it was even better than he could have hoped. When he caught Sirius gaping at him, not sure what part of I love you warranted a fit of hysterics, Remus composed himself and reached for his hand. Sirius cautiously took it and let Remus guide him to the edge of his bed. 

“I love you, too,” Remus assured. He had always thought that saying I love you would be a scary thing, but he realized that nothing is ever scary so long as someone is willing to hold your heart with two hands. “If it’s not too much to ask, can you kiss me? I’d do it, but I sort of sprained my neck.”

“How the hell did you sprain your neck?” Sirius asked, a bright smile spreading over his face. 

“It’s a long story,” Remus sighed, closing his eyes just as Sirius’ lips touched his own. He wished he could devour Sirius like he had dreamt of doing for five years, but this, kissing with soft lips and careful touches and tickling eyelashes, was enough. 

Sirius was so afraid that Remus might break underneath his touch that it took him a full second to realize that he was kissing his best friend. Remus tasted like rust and dirt, and he probably hadn’t brushed his teeth since yesterday, but none of it mattered. All Sirius knew was that he was kissing Remus and Remus loved him, and god, if that wasn’t the most important discovery in the history of the world. He would shout it from the rooftops later.

With a shaking finger, Remus pushed Sirius away. “Also, can you stay away from Henry fucking McAvoy please? I can’t go through that again.”

Sirius chuckled. “He’s kind of boring. You’re much more exciting.”

“So boring that you spent all night with him?”

“So boring that I left after an hour and hid in a broom closet for the rest of the night because I didn’t want you guys to give me shit. Which didn’t work out very well, anyways,” Sirius explained. He settled down beside Remus, nestling his nose into the dip of Remus’ collarbones.

“Oh,” Remus said stupidly. He reached over and poked the fading bruise on Sirius’ throat. “Then what’s that?”

Sirius felt the mark and laughed again. “Peeves caught me stealing that chocolate bar yesterday. Got me by the neck pretty good before I escaped.” He hadn’t snogged Henry at all. He had hardly gone on a date with him. Remus kissed Sirius’s hair. “You’re very jealous, Moony.”

“I’m not jealous, you’re just stupid,” Remus deflected. 

“That’s what people say when they’re jealous,” Sirius mocked, rubbing small circles over Remus’ stomach. 

Remus let his eyelids slide close and his breathing steadied. “Shh. I’m sleeping.”

Sirius pressed his lips together, relishing in the way the morning light illuminated Remus’ curls, how it glittered off his pale skin, how it warmed his body and flushed his cheeks. The room was silent, and he wasn’t sure if Remus had drifted off to sleep yet, but Sirius had to do it one more time, just because he could.

“I love you,” he whispered before closing his eyes. 

Beside him, a small sigh was just barely audible. “I love you too, you bloody idiot.”


End file.
